Ah, babies

There is nothing like holding a newborn baby to shake one's resolve. Well, not just any newborn baby. I hold newborn babes on a regular basis, and while I enjoy it greatly, none of those newborns have stirred the longing within me. At the office I hold the babies, nuzzle them, inhale their sweet baby smell, and pass them back, content with the temporary high. But then came Baby L.

Baby L. is dearest son's "cousin". Dear son spends his hours away from me with a woman we refer to as his nanny, and his nanny has 5 children. Nanny's oldest daughter had a baby a couple of weeks ago, and we had the great honor of visiting with the family just a couple of days after Baby L.'s birth. I thought I'd just do the same with this little guy as I do with the other well-loved newborns I meet: I'd hold him, bring him close to get a good whiff, then pass him off to mom, content in knowing I was free of that responsibility. Not so easy with Baby L.

The moment I held him I felt that longing, that pull to motherhood. I remembered so many moments with my own son, both beautiful and challenging, and felt slightly intoxicated with the nostalgia. I watched as my own "baby" looked kindly at the new baby, rubbed his head oh-so-gently, then softly tickled Baby L.'s little hands, a huge smile on his face. It felt so perfect, holding a newborn while gazing adoringly at my "big boy", and I started second-guessing my resolve to parent an only.

It would be easy to explain those feelings as simply biology. After all, I'm 30. I'm in the latter part of my prime child-bearing years. Of course I'll read these feelings as inclinations to procreate. But then dearest son makes frequent comments recently like, "Baby O. is coming soon" and "I'm going to sing that song to Baby O. when she comes" and "Baby O. has green eyes just like mine." And he believes it so completely that I almost believe it too. But of course Baby is coming soon! It just wasn't her time yet! I was just being impatient!

I have no idea what the future holds. I know I'm content with my only now, happy to parent my son. But if I am to be truly honest with myself, I will admit that the idea of adding another member to my family, however far off it may be, fills me with joy. But only time will tell...