Sobriety

I did not resolve to quit drinking in 2013.  I felt such a goal to be too big, too long-term, too much, so I decided to simply do a 30-day sobriety challenge.  Thirty of 365 days seemed much more reasonable and doable for me.

Over the past couple of days, though, I've begun to take an honest look at my life and what I've allowed it to become.  The truth is I've allowed alcohol to play a huge part in my life for most of my adult life, with the exception of pregnancy.  I've joked about it in an attempt to hide how serious the issue was, but I don't believe it went completely unnoticed by those who love me. 

For a while it was easy to deny a problem.  I had never missed a day of work due to drinking; I'd just come to work hungover.  I did most of my drinking at night and never craved a drink upon waking.  My son had not suffered visibly from my alcohol abuse (meaning he always had healthy food, got to school on time, had quality time with me, made it to play dates, etc but who knows how much he noticed on a psychological level).  Besides, who doesn't enjoy a good craft beer?  Most of my "friends" did, that's for sure.  And in a town with so many microbreweries, why not enjoy some of each?  So many beers, so little time...

Facing the reality of alcohol addiction is not easy.  I have a strong sense of pride that is wounded by this admission.  After all, I'm a smart woman, bright and funny, generous and thoughtful.  How could I have allowed something like this to happen?  But it did happen, and now's the time to set aside my pride and admit I have a problem that needs some help.

So I'm blogging about it as a way of holding myself accountable.  My dirty secret is out.  My plan is still to follow the 30-day sobriety challenge and allow myself the possibility of a drink at the end of it.  I'm hoping that by that point I'll be in enough control to cope with any urges I have, but it's going to be a lengthy process.  I've spent more than a decade drinking heavily (again, except for pregnancy) and those issues won't resolve in just 30 days.  But with the right support I'll make it and create a new life free of dependency.

And if by chance you see me out and I happen to have a drink, please don't judge me.  A smile and a hug will do more to help me than any criticism you may have for my choices.