Grieving

On Monday I found out that the niece who I was excitedly anticipating to be born in about a month, maybe even on my birthday, was found to have no heartbeat in the womb.  In one painful moment my brother's world was turned upside down, and he and his wife were faced with the most painful loss I could imagine:  the loss of their child. 

I have struggled with this for days and will likely continue to struggle for days to come.  My heart breaks for my little brother and his wife, two people who are probably the best, purest, most beautiful people I know.  My heart breaks for the grandparents who were so excited to welcome a granddaughter after the joy of having two grandsons.  My heart breaks for their friends who were helping make plans for meal trains and baby-sitting, baby showers and play dates.  My heart just breaks.

I haven't had to grieve a loss this intense in a long time.  I'm filled with such sadness and at the same time such overwhelming love for my brother and sister-in-law.  I know they'll be OK, they'll get through this loss and in the end they'll be even more amazing for having experienced it.  They just exude that kind of strength, love, and compassion.  But I can't help but feel that protective spirit I've always held for my brother rise up, that wish that I could make this go away for him.  They didn't deserve this, but that's not how life works, is it? 

I'm not bitter, I'm not resentful, I'm just very, very sad. 

Katy Anne Lee, I barely knew you but I loved you dearly.  May your spirit rest peacefully.