I'd like to know who or what has taken over my son. My even-tempered boy has suddenly taken to throwing extravagant tantrums once more and to sheer defiance. It has taken me completely off guard, and I admit I have not reacted as ideally as I would like. Being a mom who is so concerned with not screwing this parenting thing up too badly, I tend to over-analyze the situation: why is he behaving this way? What need am I not filling? Is it because he knows mom and dad are separating without being directly told? Is it because he doesn't attend preschool anymore? I'm sure the reality is that it's a perfectly natural, normal part of development, but I'm so eager to raise a "good" boy that I am often guilty of overlooking the obvious in an attempt to be proactive. Silly mom...
More often than not I find myself staring in my boy's face and feeling constantly surprised that I'm actually seeing a boy now and not a baby or even a toddler so much anymore. He's a boy, a "real" boy, and I'm often overwhelmed with the sensation that it's all happening too fast. Such a funny thought considering only 3 1/2 years ago I thought every day was an eternity and secretly wished time would fast forward just enough to bring me some sense of peace in mothering (have I mentioned my boy was a colicky baby?). And even in the midst of his periods of testing his limits, I still have the awareness that I should embrace these moments because in time I'll miss them.
What I really should do is take a deep breath, give my boy a big hug and a kiss, and just play.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Busy
I cannot believe that June is already here and pretty much halfway gone. I'm doing my best to pay attention because life is zooming pretty quickly.
So what to comment on? Honestly, I've been a bit self-absorbed lately, working intently on healing and moving forward with my life. This is intense, focused work, and there are times when I'd like to call it off and indulge in a few cocktails. Fortunately my desire for balance and growth outweighs any escapist tendencies I might indulge in from time to time, so I persevere.
Sleep has been escaping me lately, mostly due to being "on call" for my dearest friend's birth. I must admit I have a new respect for the work of midwives, birth attendants, doulas, and OB/GYN doctors. Your whole thinking changes when you realize that at any moment you could receive a call asking you to be present for someone else. Of course, the woman I'm on call for is not just any pregnant lady - she's my best friend, my confidante, my "person". Therefore, I have a huge emotional investment in her labor and birth. She has shared her pregnancy with me in the best way she knows, always aware of my intense desire to mother again, always considerate of my feelings as she experiences her own. When she asked me to be present at the birth, I was scared and inclined to decline. After all, what do I know about supporting a woman in labor? As time went on, though, she was able to successfully communicate what my presence would mean to her, and I began to realize more fully what it would mean to me as well. So here I sit, anxiously awaiting this baby's arrival, eager to meet this being who has already changed my life in beautiful ways.
Dear son has entered this new phase of sass and independence. I admit I've had it relatively easy for the past 2 or so years. I tend to say that D. gave me hell early on, then gave me a huge break by being a fairly easygoing, albeit strong-willed, toddler. As his fourth birthday approaches, he is learning new ways to test his limits and boundaries and while I can embrace and appreciate this phase of development on one hand, on the other hand I'm still mom and in charge around here. I'm grateful for the lesson in balance and perspective, but sometimes I wish there was more warning for these changes. I stand by my statement that being a mom is the hardest job I've ever taken on. I worry every single day that I'm doing the right thing, that my actions are instilling good habits for him later on without stifling his personality or crushing his amazing spirit. It's a big deal being a mom, and I don't want to mess it up. At the same time, I don't want to take it so seriously that I end up doing more harm than good. But I guess that concern alone will keep me in check.
Soccer ends on Saturday, and D. will finally, finally receive his beloved trophy. Sweet boy has been asking about this trophy since the first day of practice. I've been impressed with his growth over the course of the soccer experience. He has grown more assertive (perhaps too much so at times) and has learned to speak up for his turns and opportunities. I don't know how much he has actually learned about soccer, besides the no-hands rule, but that was never fully my intention in signing him up anyway. There's so much to be said for learning to interact with others, and he seems to be adjusting just fine. And I can only imagine that seeing his little face when he receives his trophy will be priceless :)
So time marches on, and I'm just trying to keep up with the beat.
So what to comment on? Honestly, I've been a bit self-absorbed lately, working intently on healing and moving forward with my life. This is intense, focused work, and there are times when I'd like to call it off and indulge in a few cocktails. Fortunately my desire for balance and growth outweighs any escapist tendencies I might indulge in from time to time, so I persevere.
Sleep has been escaping me lately, mostly due to being "on call" for my dearest friend's birth. I must admit I have a new respect for the work of midwives, birth attendants, doulas, and OB/GYN doctors. Your whole thinking changes when you realize that at any moment you could receive a call asking you to be present for someone else. Of course, the woman I'm on call for is not just any pregnant lady - she's my best friend, my confidante, my "person". Therefore, I have a huge emotional investment in her labor and birth. She has shared her pregnancy with me in the best way she knows, always aware of my intense desire to mother again, always considerate of my feelings as she experiences her own. When she asked me to be present at the birth, I was scared and inclined to decline. After all, what do I know about supporting a woman in labor? As time went on, though, she was able to successfully communicate what my presence would mean to her, and I began to realize more fully what it would mean to me as well. So here I sit, anxiously awaiting this baby's arrival, eager to meet this being who has already changed my life in beautiful ways.
Dear son has entered this new phase of sass and independence. I admit I've had it relatively easy for the past 2 or so years. I tend to say that D. gave me hell early on, then gave me a huge break by being a fairly easygoing, albeit strong-willed, toddler. As his fourth birthday approaches, he is learning new ways to test his limits and boundaries and while I can embrace and appreciate this phase of development on one hand, on the other hand I'm still mom and in charge around here. I'm grateful for the lesson in balance and perspective, but sometimes I wish there was more warning for these changes. I stand by my statement that being a mom is the hardest job I've ever taken on. I worry every single day that I'm doing the right thing, that my actions are instilling good habits for him later on without stifling his personality or crushing his amazing spirit. It's a big deal being a mom, and I don't want to mess it up. At the same time, I don't want to take it so seriously that I end up doing more harm than good. But I guess that concern alone will keep me in check.
Soccer ends on Saturday, and D. will finally, finally receive his beloved trophy. Sweet boy has been asking about this trophy since the first day of practice. I've been impressed with his growth over the course of the soccer experience. He has grown more assertive (perhaps too much so at times) and has learned to speak up for his turns and opportunities. I don't know how much he has actually learned about soccer, besides the no-hands rule, but that was never fully my intention in signing him up anyway. There's so much to be said for learning to interact with others, and he seems to be adjusting just fine. And I can only imagine that seeing his little face when he receives his trophy will be priceless :)
So time marches on, and I'm just trying to keep up with the beat.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Choice
In the midst of the challenges I'm facing and transitions I'm still navigating, one thing sticks with me: I choose joy. Yes, I cry and yes, I feel incredibly sad, but ultimately I choose joy. I choose joy believing that joy is not a destination or a final goal, but a state of being. Even when life seems gray and I feel lonely, I still choose joy.
I value the opportunities I have to learn and grow, the tears I shed, and the moments of darkness that force me to look inward and reflect on the choices I'm making and have made. I do not expect nor do I wish for my life to be without challenges, to be constantly sunny or "perfect", whatever that may mean for me. But through these periods of growth and reflection, I choose joy as my primary motivator.
And given the alternatives, I don't think joy is a half-bad choice.
I value the opportunities I have to learn and grow, the tears I shed, and the moments of darkness that force me to look inward and reflect on the choices I'm making and have made. I do not expect nor do I wish for my life to be without challenges, to be constantly sunny or "perfect", whatever that may mean for me. But through these periods of growth and reflection, I choose joy as my primary motivator.
And given the alternatives, I don't think joy is a half-bad choice.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Appropriate for today
"There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go." ~ Author Unknown
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Sisterhood
I have spent this weekend hanging out with some incredible women, meeting more amazing women, and celebrating the journeys some of us take, particularly motherhood. As someone who remained baffled by the connections between women for many, many years, I feel so incredibly blessed to have had this experience this weekend.
I'm awakening to the fact that I have a group of true sisters, of women who will hold me in the light and love of their thoughts and prayers, of ladies who will stand beside me quite devotedly and know what to give me when I don't know how or for what to ask. I still feel like the odd-woman-out more times than not, feel awkward and inept in gatherings of women who are obviously more amazing, more graceful, more together than I may ever hope to be. What amazes me is I keep getting asked back to be part of the circles, part of the love they share, which just proves that the love they do share is truly blind and unconditional :)
To all of you women out there who have helped to hold me up during this challenging time in my life, to those I've known for years and years and to those I've only gotten to know recently, I want you to know your kind words and actions have not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. They have meant more to me than I could ever truly communicate. Your love stays with me in a time when I find it hard to love myself and inspires me to keep going, embraces me when I feel I'm alone in the dark, and assures me the dawn will come again.
On this day that has been created to celebrate motherhood, I want also to celebrate sisterhood. There are many women out there who have yet to birth/adopt their own children but who mother others in the most wonderful ways. I'm thankful for you all!
I'm awakening to the fact that I have a group of true sisters, of women who will hold me in the light and love of their thoughts and prayers, of ladies who will stand beside me quite devotedly and know what to give me when I don't know how or for what to ask. I still feel like the odd-woman-out more times than not, feel awkward and inept in gatherings of women who are obviously more amazing, more graceful, more together than I may ever hope to be. What amazes me is I keep getting asked back to be part of the circles, part of the love they share, which just proves that the love they do share is truly blind and unconditional :)
To all of you women out there who have helped to hold me up during this challenging time in my life, to those I've known for years and years and to those I've only gotten to know recently, I want you to know your kind words and actions have not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. They have meant more to me than I could ever truly communicate. Your love stays with me in a time when I find it hard to love myself and inspires me to keep going, embraces me when I feel I'm alone in the dark, and assures me the dawn will come again.
On this day that has been created to celebrate motherhood, I want also to celebrate sisterhood. There are many women out there who have yet to birth/adopt their own children but who mother others in the most wonderful ways. I'm thankful for you all!
Monday, May 3, 2010
Why?
That is Doran's question of the moment, any moment, every moment. Why? Why is duck spelled d-u-c-k? Why is that story named *insert story here*? Why did you pass that car? Why did you stop? Why are we having *insert meal here* for dinner? Why are we going to *insert destination here*? Why? Why? Why?
Why indeed!
I thought I had some time to prepare for this. I thought the steady stream of why's happened at around age 5, but I have been informed by an insider in childcare that I am mistaken. Why? is a common question of 3-year-olds. Super.
I want to be more patient, I give it my best, but there is something in the overwhelming amount of questioning that causes me to question my actions myself. Why are we having *insert meal here* for dinner? Is it unbalanced? Is it a lazy choice? Why did I pass that car just then? Was I being reckless? Should I be more observant, take more time? Ridiculous, I know, but perhaps Doran's why phase just happens to coincide with my reevaluate-my-life phase. I figure if we can get through this, then we'll both be a little wiser on the other side.
Why indeed!
I thought I had some time to prepare for this. I thought the steady stream of why's happened at around age 5, but I have been informed by an insider in childcare that I am mistaken. Why? is a common question of 3-year-olds. Super.
I want to be more patient, I give it my best, but there is something in the overwhelming amount of questioning that causes me to question my actions myself. Why are we having *insert meal here* for dinner? Is it unbalanced? Is it a lazy choice? Why did I pass that car just then? Was I being reckless? Should I be more observant, take more time? Ridiculous, I know, but perhaps Doran's why phase just happens to coincide with my reevaluate-my-life phase. I figure if we can get through this, then we'll both be a little wiser on the other side.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Vacation soon!
In 3 weeks we will have a mini-vacation, and I can't wait! We'll head down to Charleston, SC where we'll camp for 2 nights then head to a hotel for night 3 (we would have camped for 3 nights but the campground was booked). I'm doing my best not to overplan, something I am very guilty of doing. This trip only happens once a year, and I want to embrace it as fully as possible. Only 3 things are absolutes: the beach, the children's museum, and the farmer's market. Beyond that, we'll just go where whimsy takes us.
Just a mere 21 more days...
Just a mere 21 more days...
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