The Breaking Point

I reached it today, the point at which I couldn't hold my emotions in any longer. Women become pregnant on a regular basis, and most of the time, even after my losses, I'm OK with that. I can remain stoic, remember that this is the cycle of life and that everything happens for a reason. When a good friend told me last summer that she had "gone and gotten herself knocked up" with baby #2, she expected me to be sour, but I was not. I wasn't then and I most certainly am not now as I eagerly await this baby's delivery any day now. When my best friend announced her pregnancy me to me last fall, I expected to be angry and jealous, but I was far from it. Instead, I was filled with the need to be emotionally available to her, to nurture her as she prepared to parent a third child with a new partner in a new life. I thought I was doing just fine, accepting this course of events in stride and knowing that everything was in perfect order.

And then I found out today that another person that I work with will be expecting her third child in October, and I cried. I'm still crying. Not because I worry for this woman because she is an awesome mother with an awesome husband who will give this baby as fantastic of a home as they have their two girls. I'm crying for the dreams I had, for the hopes I held so dear and felt dashed with each miscarriage. I'm mourning my losses again, and I can't help but wonder when this will end.

My last loss was a year ago, and our last failed attempt was three months ago. I accepted that I might only ever parent my son, and I have been continually grateful for that blessing. Not a day goes by that I don't acknowledge how incredibly blessed I am to have such an amazing opportunity. Yet the dreams of what could have been still linger, and every now and then they overwhelm me and I can't help but cry.

I wish that I had only ever wished to parent one child, I wish that being a mom had not been so awesome, I wish that I were more career-oriented and focused on things outside my family. But the truth of the matter is I love being a mom and I live for my family. Doing so fulfills me in ways I never dreamed possible. It's not a sacrifice because I love it. And I just wish that I had the chance to do it again.