Exploring Options

Unschooling.  The word excites and frightens me.  It is in complete opposition to the educational system with which I grew up and yet it is so deliciously appealing.  I sit and imagine what my son's experience of life would be if he was free to explore his own interests in his own time.  What would my experience be like?  How would he grow and how would I change?  I'm so acutely aware of my control issues and just the idea of releasing them so drastically brings an exhilarating sense of freedom.  

But I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around it.  No curriculum?  At all?  But I love curriculum!  No schedule?  No checklists?  What about that state-mandated assessment test he would need to complete at the end of each school year?  Will he be able to "make it" in the "real world" without formal education?  That requires a great deal of trust not only in him but in me and the world around me.  What an intense test of faith.

And the TV/video game issue, not to mention chores and allowance.  Can I trust my child to eventually learn to self-regulate how much time he spends in front of the computer or TV?  Part of me says, "Yes.  Take today for example."  He and I had no vehicle so we walked to the library, then to lunch, then to ice cream for dessert and finally back home.  He played computer games for about 30 minutes before we moved onto playing board and card games.  Several hours later we watched TV together, snuggling on the couch, laughing at slapstick comedy.  We then read a great book, chatted one last time, and it was time for him to go to bed.  We stayed so busy with being together that he barely asked for screen time at all.  It was a good day.

I've said frequently that I just want my boy to be happy.  I also want to raise a sensitive, compassionate, responsible person who contributes to the world around him in some way.  I have just enough romanticism to believe he can be all of that and just enough practicality to find the way to make it happen.

It's official!

Open Minds School of Discovery is officially registered and legal for operation as of Tuesday!  I still have to withdraw Doran from public school, but the biggest part of the process has been completed.  Now to get started!

Even though we are legal, we won't officially begin taking attendance for at least a couple of weeks.  While I've been steadily and eagerly assembling materials and reading, reading, reading, I still have some loose ends to tie up before jumping in to our next big adventure.  I have been on a roller coaster ride of emotions the past couple of weeks, trying to listen to my heart (and my son) and tune out other people's expectations.  I'm a people-pleasing approval seeker but my heart's desires are often unconventional, so one can only imagine the inner turmoil I experience on a regular basis.  Ultimately I've had to accept that there is no "right" answer in this situation.  I've had to make a choice between two appealing options and hope my intuition leads me well as it has many times before.

So I'm nervous and excited and eager to see what adventures await!  I know we'll face challenges and I may even feel like giving up, but I know neither one of us will be the same for the experience, and that feels just wonderful.

Best of all, I have a new-found reason to blog more frequently (I know, I know, I've said that before).  I think this will be a great way to document our experience.  I'll even schedule time into our day for it.  Goodness knows that's the only way it'll get done!

One of those weeks

Have you ever had one of those weeks where almost everything you encounter just moves you?  From the obvious moments like when your child smiles at you just before giving you a huge embrace to the normally insignificant things like when you watch a person in one car allow another person to enter the horrific traffic before him.  Listening to the birds chatter while you sit on your porch drinking quality coffee because you felt you were worth the splurge.  Watching your cat and rabbit play chase then snuggle.  Spending time with good friends who refresh your soul like a tall glass of ice cold lemonade on a hot summer day after mowing the lawn.  Smelling the fresh mown lawn after a passing rain shower.  Reading beautiful quotes and finding new authors whose works you're excited to read.  I could go on.

I'm having one of those weeks where it feels like the Universe is smiling at me, holding me and letting me know it's all going to be just fine.  It's exactly what I need and I'm overwhelmingly grateful.

Making your heart sing

I once had a friend ask me, "What makes your heart sing?  Whatever it is, that's what you should do."  I have spent the last few months of sober living carefully pondering that question.  What makes my heart sing?  What makes me feel joy more often than not, makes me feel glad to be alive, is my sunshine on an otherwise cloudy day?  What am I most passionate about?

The answer is my son.  Not in an obsessive, co-dependent way.  I don't live my life solely for my son or through my son (trust me, Pokemon would not be my choice for games to play) but being his mother is the best experience I've ever had.  I regularly feel humbled and blessed by and incredibly grateful for his presence in my life.  Being a mom, his mom, makes my heart sing. And this is why we've decided together to give homeschooling a shot this year.

I've tried to think of a succinct answer to the inevitable question of "why?"  Why am I making this choice?  I'm not unhappy with the school system.  He had a great kindergarten teacher and made some lovely friends, friends with whom we'll remain in touch, I'm sure.  So why?  If his experience wasn't overall bad why would I decide to homeschool now? 

I've done a lot of reading on the topic and one of the reasons others have given truly resonates with me.  I don't want to miss anything.  I brought my son into the world with intention.  I made a very conscious choice to raise him, guide him, teach him and, when the time is right, let go and watch him tackle the world all on his own.  Perhaps it sounds selfish but I want to be the one to share those precious moments of education with him.  I want to share this journey with him, guide him and help him find where he can work out his own answers.  We will only have this time once and to say it is fleeting is an understatement.  I truly believe it takes a village to raise a child, but I also believe I should have more active say in which villagers get to participate.

Just thinking about homeschooling excites me, and Doran is also enthusiastic at being able to learn what he wants, when he wants and how he wants (within reason, of course).  We'll officially start in September, so wish us luck as we start this new adventure!

Spring Break

This past week Doran has been on Spring Break.  The week didn't start off feeling very spring-like:  it snowed on Tuesday.  Thankfully my boy is an optimist at heart and incredibly adaptable and has enjoyed his break despite the weather.

He couldn't build a fort outside so he and his dad built one inside.  He calls it his ninja fort/hobbit hole and it's quite cozy and stockpiled with weapons.  That same day he and his dad built a ninja dummy for practicing moves. 

We've been artsy and made pinch pots, painted pottery we didn't make, decorated crowns, and created our own books.  We've read books and visited local attractions.  We've conducted science experiments (although my volcano needs some work).  We've watched movies and played with Legos.  And we finally had the chance to go outside and play when the sun came out and warmed things up a bit yesterday.

Doran painting a cat figurine at a paint-your-own-pottery place

Playing Legos and completely oblivious to me watching

Easter is on Sunday and I have a fun scavenger hunt planned for him to find his basket of goodies.  I have so much fun with Doran on his breaks that I hate to see them end almost as much as he does.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm odd in feeling that way, in enjoying being with my child so much, especially when I hear other parents comment on how eager they are to see school resume.  That's not to say I never get aggravated with or need a break from my child.  I just really enjoy him so much, even in those times.

So it's been a fun break in spite of starting out so cold.  Now I can't wait for summer and all the fun things we'll do then!

Grieving

On Monday I found out that the niece who I was excitedly anticipating to be born in about a month, maybe even on my birthday, was found to have no heartbeat in the womb.  In one painful moment my brother's world was turned upside down, and he and his wife were faced with the most painful loss I could imagine:  the loss of their child. 

I have struggled with this for days and will likely continue to struggle for days to come.  My heart breaks for my little brother and his wife, two people who are probably the best, purest, most beautiful people I know.  My heart breaks for the grandparents who were so excited to welcome a granddaughter after the joy of having two grandsons.  My heart breaks for their friends who were helping make plans for meal trains and baby-sitting, baby showers and play dates.  My heart just breaks.

I haven't had to grieve a loss this intense in a long time.  I'm filled with such sadness and at the same time such overwhelming love for my brother and sister-in-law.  I know they'll be OK, they'll get through this loss and in the end they'll be even more amazing for having experienced it.  They just exude that kind of strength, love, and compassion.  But I can't help but feel that protective spirit I've always held for my brother rise up, that wish that I could make this go away for him.  They didn't deserve this, but that's not how life works, is it? 

I'm not bitter, I'm not resentful, I'm just very, very sad. 

Katy Anne Lee, I barely knew you but I loved you dearly.  May your spirit rest peacefully.

Keep on Keepin' On

Are we truly already into February?  I can't seem to keep up these days!

I celebrated one month of sobriety last week!  That first month was a challenging one, but I wouldn't trade the experience for anything.  Every day I feel a little better, a little stronger, a little closer to the person I truly want to be.  It's not always easy, but it is definitely always worth it.

Doran and I start officially volunteering at the Humane Society this week, and we're both excited for this experience.  He, of course, can't wait to cuddle kittens and play with cats, but I've informed him there's more to contribute than that.  I've also signed us up for writing letters and drawing pictures for local police officers and firefighters.  I'm on a community service kick, and I love it! 

Although it's not an official couch to 5k program, I started a more regular walking program in hopes of losing a few pounds so I can start an official program.  I tried going straight into it but it hurt more than I thought was probably good for me, so I'm easing into it more slowly.  Doran's participation in races is inspiring me to at least try to finish a 5k by the end of this year.  What an accomplishment that will be!

Valentine's Day is around the corner, and we haven't decided what kinds of cards to make for the class.  We've browsed online a little, but naturally Doran wants to make every complicated card he can find (we may never look at Martha Stewart's website together again).  Once I settle on an idea, I'll share it here!

It's time to decide on garden plans, too.  I definitely want to grow something, but I will most likely scale back from what I've done (or rather, attempted to do) in years past and invest the money I would've spent on supplies into supporting local farmers.  I can't let go of the idea of growing tomatoes, green beans, greens, and peppers, though. 

I think that about sums it up.  Life is busy but satisfying.  I can't ask for more than that!