I desperately need a vacation. But not just any vacation. I don't need palm trees and laying on the beach. I don't need a mountain cabin beside a babbling brook. I'm not talking cruise or a week of doing nothing but sipping margaritas and reading novel after novel after novel. All great options, yes, but not what I need.
What I really need is a week in which I have full freedom and space to just cry and scream and feel everything that comes with acknowledging what doesn't work in your life and attempting to work through it. Whoever said that breaking up is hard to do wasn't kidding. It's awful, even when you know it's the right thing, when you know that the path you've been traveling is hurting, not helping. And I want quite desperately to process it all, to grieve properly and fully, to honor this part of my life as fully as I can before taking the next step, but there's a job to show up for, a son who needs to know his mama is still devoted to him, laundry to wash and fold, dishes to clean, a dog to show at least some level of attention to (sorry about that, Mojo), a garden to tend, etc., etc. At the end of the day, there is no time for tears or mourning. It's time for collapsing into bed, attempting to get some degree of rest, only to wake and repeat the cycle another day.
What's odd for me is that I want to mourn this. I want to feel the pain and process it. I want to hash out within me all of the gritty emotions that led me to this place and learn from the mistakes I made. I want to face those demons and come out stronger for the fight. I want to really get to know me, to discover what I like and don't like, what suits me and what doesn't. It's not a reinvention I'm after - it's figuring out who the hell I am in the first place.
So I need a vacation, some time to sit by myself and let it all out, to cry until there are no more tears. And then I want to dry my eyes, stand up tall and emerge with a new energy and renewed sense of self.
After all, that's what vacation is all about, isn't it?
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Swim Lessons
Some pictures from today's last swim lesson. Before we started, you would only find my boy clutching desperately to my neck in a pool. Now after four lessons he's comfortable enough to cruise back and forth on a noodle. Not much longer before he's going completely solo!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Harvest
To date my garden has yielded two lovely zucchini, a beautiful ear of corn, a hearty bunch of broccoli and a delicious eggplant. There is still much growing, and soon I hope to have more zucchini, corn, broccoli and eggplant as well as lots of tomatoes, potatoes, cantaloupe, and a watermelon or two. I love growing my own food and wish I had more space to do so. Meals taste so much better when the food comes straight from the garden!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Sick Days
Am I wrong for enjoying the days I get to stay home from work and take care of my sick child? It's not that I enjoy his discomfort or misery or that it delights me to see him cry or in pain. I love the part where he snuggles into me, looks to me for comfort only a mom can give, lets me give him as many hugs and kisses as I want. I suppose I am taking for granted that my boy is so rarely ill, and I am incredibly thankful for that blessing. I'm simultaneously thankful for these golden moments where I can once again hold him sleeping in my arms, lay my cheek on his sweet little head, and just soak up the overwhelming joy that fills me to be so close to him.
I'm not sure if all almost-4-year-olds are melodramatic, but mine sure is. When I went to take his temperature this morning, he wailed that it would "take years to do that." After I informed him, quite matter-of-factly I might add, that he did indeed have a fever, he began crying, saying, "Not a fever! Not a fever!" Perhaps I have a budding thespian on my hands?
And it turns out that not even a high fever can curtail the steady stream of chatter that flows so freely from his darling mouth. That boy has a lot to say, and only in sleep is he truly quiet for long. I know I'm naive for this, but I'm hoping this gift of gab will remain with him for years to come and enable us to have open communication during those very challenging adolescent years. A mom can dream, right?
I'm not sure if all almost-4-year-olds are melodramatic, but mine sure is. When I went to take his temperature this morning, he wailed that it would "take years to do that." After I informed him, quite matter-of-factly I might add, that he did indeed have a fever, he began crying, saying, "Not a fever! Not a fever!" Perhaps I have a budding thespian on my hands?
And it turns out that not even a high fever can curtail the steady stream of chatter that flows so freely from his darling mouth. That boy has a lot to say, and only in sleep is he truly quiet for long. I know I'm naive for this, but I'm hoping this gift of gab will remain with him for years to come and enable us to have open communication during those very challenging adolescent years. A mom can dream, right?
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
The wheel keeps turning
I'd like to know who or what has taken over my son. My even-tempered boy has suddenly taken to throwing extravagant tantrums once more and to sheer defiance. It has taken me completely off guard, and I admit I have not reacted as ideally as I would like. Being a mom who is so concerned with not screwing this parenting thing up too badly, I tend to over-analyze the situation: why is he behaving this way? What need am I not filling? Is it because he knows mom and dad are separating without being directly told? Is it because he doesn't attend preschool anymore? I'm sure the reality is that it's a perfectly natural, normal part of development, but I'm so eager to raise a "good" boy that I am often guilty of overlooking the obvious in an attempt to be proactive. Silly mom...
More often than not I find myself staring in my boy's face and feeling constantly surprised that I'm actually seeing a boy now and not a baby or even a toddler so much anymore. He's a boy, a "real" boy, and I'm often overwhelmed with the sensation that it's all happening too fast. Such a funny thought considering only 3 1/2 years ago I thought every day was an eternity and secretly wished time would fast forward just enough to bring me some sense of peace in mothering (have I mentioned my boy was a colicky baby?). And even in the midst of his periods of testing his limits, I still have the awareness that I should embrace these moments because in time I'll miss them.
What I really should do is take a deep breath, give my boy a big hug and a kiss, and just play.
More often than not I find myself staring in my boy's face and feeling constantly surprised that I'm actually seeing a boy now and not a baby or even a toddler so much anymore. He's a boy, a "real" boy, and I'm often overwhelmed with the sensation that it's all happening too fast. Such a funny thought considering only 3 1/2 years ago I thought every day was an eternity and secretly wished time would fast forward just enough to bring me some sense of peace in mothering (have I mentioned my boy was a colicky baby?). And even in the midst of his periods of testing his limits, I still have the awareness that I should embrace these moments because in time I'll miss them.
What I really should do is take a deep breath, give my boy a big hug and a kiss, and just play.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Busy
I cannot believe that June is already here and pretty much halfway gone. I'm doing my best to pay attention because life is zooming pretty quickly.
So what to comment on? Honestly, I've been a bit self-absorbed lately, working intently on healing and moving forward with my life. This is intense, focused work, and there are times when I'd like to call it off and indulge in a few cocktails. Fortunately my desire for balance and growth outweighs any escapist tendencies I might indulge in from time to time, so I persevere.
Sleep has been escaping me lately, mostly due to being "on call" for my dearest friend's birth. I must admit I have a new respect for the work of midwives, birth attendants, doulas, and OB/GYN doctors. Your whole thinking changes when you realize that at any moment you could receive a call asking you to be present for someone else. Of course, the woman I'm on call for is not just any pregnant lady - she's my best friend, my confidante, my "person". Therefore, I have a huge emotional investment in her labor and birth. She has shared her pregnancy with me in the best way she knows, always aware of my intense desire to mother again, always considerate of my feelings as she experiences her own. When she asked me to be present at the birth, I was scared and inclined to decline. After all, what do I know about supporting a woman in labor? As time went on, though, she was able to successfully communicate what my presence would mean to her, and I began to realize more fully what it would mean to me as well. So here I sit, anxiously awaiting this baby's arrival, eager to meet this being who has already changed my life in beautiful ways.
Dear son has entered this new phase of sass and independence. I admit I've had it relatively easy for the past 2 or so years. I tend to say that D. gave me hell early on, then gave me a huge break by being a fairly easygoing, albeit strong-willed, toddler. As his fourth birthday approaches, he is learning new ways to test his limits and boundaries and while I can embrace and appreciate this phase of development on one hand, on the other hand I'm still mom and in charge around here. I'm grateful for the lesson in balance and perspective, but sometimes I wish there was more warning for these changes. I stand by my statement that being a mom is the hardest job I've ever taken on. I worry every single day that I'm doing the right thing, that my actions are instilling good habits for him later on without stifling his personality or crushing his amazing spirit. It's a big deal being a mom, and I don't want to mess it up. At the same time, I don't want to take it so seriously that I end up doing more harm than good. But I guess that concern alone will keep me in check.
Soccer ends on Saturday, and D. will finally, finally receive his beloved trophy. Sweet boy has been asking about this trophy since the first day of practice. I've been impressed with his growth over the course of the soccer experience. He has grown more assertive (perhaps too much so at times) and has learned to speak up for his turns and opportunities. I don't know how much he has actually learned about soccer, besides the no-hands rule, but that was never fully my intention in signing him up anyway. There's so much to be said for learning to interact with others, and he seems to be adjusting just fine. And I can only imagine that seeing his little face when he receives his trophy will be priceless :)
So time marches on, and I'm just trying to keep up with the beat.
So what to comment on? Honestly, I've been a bit self-absorbed lately, working intently on healing and moving forward with my life. This is intense, focused work, and there are times when I'd like to call it off and indulge in a few cocktails. Fortunately my desire for balance and growth outweighs any escapist tendencies I might indulge in from time to time, so I persevere.
Sleep has been escaping me lately, mostly due to being "on call" for my dearest friend's birth. I must admit I have a new respect for the work of midwives, birth attendants, doulas, and OB/GYN doctors. Your whole thinking changes when you realize that at any moment you could receive a call asking you to be present for someone else. Of course, the woman I'm on call for is not just any pregnant lady - she's my best friend, my confidante, my "person". Therefore, I have a huge emotional investment in her labor and birth. She has shared her pregnancy with me in the best way she knows, always aware of my intense desire to mother again, always considerate of my feelings as she experiences her own. When she asked me to be present at the birth, I was scared and inclined to decline. After all, what do I know about supporting a woman in labor? As time went on, though, she was able to successfully communicate what my presence would mean to her, and I began to realize more fully what it would mean to me as well. So here I sit, anxiously awaiting this baby's arrival, eager to meet this being who has already changed my life in beautiful ways.
Dear son has entered this new phase of sass and independence. I admit I've had it relatively easy for the past 2 or so years. I tend to say that D. gave me hell early on, then gave me a huge break by being a fairly easygoing, albeit strong-willed, toddler. As his fourth birthday approaches, he is learning new ways to test his limits and boundaries and while I can embrace and appreciate this phase of development on one hand, on the other hand I'm still mom and in charge around here. I'm grateful for the lesson in balance and perspective, but sometimes I wish there was more warning for these changes. I stand by my statement that being a mom is the hardest job I've ever taken on. I worry every single day that I'm doing the right thing, that my actions are instilling good habits for him later on without stifling his personality or crushing his amazing spirit. It's a big deal being a mom, and I don't want to mess it up. At the same time, I don't want to take it so seriously that I end up doing more harm than good. But I guess that concern alone will keep me in check.
Soccer ends on Saturday, and D. will finally, finally receive his beloved trophy. Sweet boy has been asking about this trophy since the first day of practice. I've been impressed with his growth over the course of the soccer experience. He has grown more assertive (perhaps too much so at times) and has learned to speak up for his turns and opportunities. I don't know how much he has actually learned about soccer, besides the no-hands rule, but that was never fully my intention in signing him up anyway. There's so much to be said for learning to interact with others, and he seems to be adjusting just fine. And I can only imagine that seeing his little face when he receives his trophy will be priceless :)
So time marches on, and I'm just trying to keep up with the beat.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Choice
In the midst of the challenges I'm facing and transitions I'm still navigating, one thing sticks with me: I choose joy. Yes, I cry and yes, I feel incredibly sad, but ultimately I choose joy. I choose joy believing that joy is not a destination or a final goal, but a state of being. Even when life seems gray and I feel lonely, I still choose joy.
I value the opportunities I have to learn and grow, the tears I shed, and the moments of darkness that force me to look inward and reflect on the choices I'm making and have made. I do not expect nor do I wish for my life to be without challenges, to be constantly sunny or "perfect", whatever that may mean for me. But through these periods of growth and reflection, I choose joy as my primary motivator.
And given the alternatives, I don't think joy is a half-bad choice.
I value the opportunities I have to learn and grow, the tears I shed, and the moments of darkness that force me to look inward and reflect on the choices I'm making and have made. I do not expect nor do I wish for my life to be without challenges, to be constantly sunny or "perfect", whatever that may mean for me. But through these periods of growth and reflection, I choose joy as my primary motivator.
And given the alternatives, I don't think joy is a half-bad choice.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Appropriate for today
"There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go." ~ Author Unknown
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Sisterhood
I have spent this weekend hanging out with some incredible women, meeting more amazing women, and celebrating the journeys some of us take, particularly motherhood. As someone who remained baffled by the connections between women for many, many years, I feel so incredibly blessed to have had this experience this weekend.
I'm awakening to the fact that I have a group of true sisters, of women who will hold me in the light and love of their thoughts and prayers, of ladies who will stand beside me quite devotedly and know what to give me when I don't know how or for what to ask. I still feel like the odd-woman-out more times than not, feel awkward and inept in gatherings of women who are obviously more amazing, more graceful, more together than I may ever hope to be. What amazes me is I keep getting asked back to be part of the circles, part of the love they share, which just proves that the love they do share is truly blind and unconditional :)
To all of you women out there who have helped to hold me up during this challenging time in my life, to those I've known for years and years and to those I've only gotten to know recently, I want you to know your kind words and actions have not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. They have meant more to me than I could ever truly communicate. Your love stays with me in a time when I find it hard to love myself and inspires me to keep going, embraces me when I feel I'm alone in the dark, and assures me the dawn will come again.
On this day that has been created to celebrate motherhood, I want also to celebrate sisterhood. There are many women out there who have yet to birth/adopt their own children but who mother others in the most wonderful ways. I'm thankful for you all!
I'm awakening to the fact that I have a group of true sisters, of women who will hold me in the light and love of their thoughts and prayers, of ladies who will stand beside me quite devotedly and know what to give me when I don't know how or for what to ask. I still feel like the odd-woman-out more times than not, feel awkward and inept in gatherings of women who are obviously more amazing, more graceful, more together than I may ever hope to be. What amazes me is I keep getting asked back to be part of the circles, part of the love they share, which just proves that the love they do share is truly blind and unconditional :)
To all of you women out there who have helped to hold me up during this challenging time in my life, to those I've known for years and years and to those I've only gotten to know recently, I want you to know your kind words and actions have not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. They have meant more to me than I could ever truly communicate. Your love stays with me in a time when I find it hard to love myself and inspires me to keep going, embraces me when I feel I'm alone in the dark, and assures me the dawn will come again.
On this day that has been created to celebrate motherhood, I want also to celebrate sisterhood. There are many women out there who have yet to birth/adopt their own children but who mother others in the most wonderful ways. I'm thankful for you all!
Monday, May 3, 2010
Why?
That is Doran's question of the moment, any moment, every moment. Why? Why is duck spelled d-u-c-k? Why is that story named *insert story here*? Why did you pass that car? Why did you stop? Why are we having *insert meal here* for dinner? Why are we going to *insert destination here*? Why? Why? Why?
Why indeed!
I thought I had some time to prepare for this. I thought the steady stream of why's happened at around age 5, but I have been informed by an insider in childcare that I am mistaken. Why? is a common question of 3-year-olds. Super.
I want to be more patient, I give it my best, but there is something in the overwhelming amount of questioning that causes me to question my actions myself. Why are we having *insert meal here* for dinner? Is it unbalanced? Is it a lazy choice? Why did I pass that car just then? Was I being reckless? Should I be more observant, take more time? Ridiculous, I know, but perhaps Doran's why phase just happens to coincide with my reevaluate-my-life phase. I figure if we can get through this, then we'll both be a little wiser on the other side.
Why indeed!
I thought I had some time to prepare for this. I thought the steady stream of why's happened at around age 5, but I have been informed by an insider in childcare that I am mistaken. Why? is a common question of 3-year-olds. Super.
I want to be more patient, I give it my best, but there is something in the overwhelming amount of questioning that causes me to question my actions myself. Why are we having *insert meal here* for dinner? Is it unbalanced? Is it a lazy choice? Why did I pass that car just then? Was I being reckless? Should I be more observant, take more time? Ridiculous, I know, but perhaps Doran's why phase just happens to coincide with my reevaluate-my-life phase. I figure if we can get through this, then we'll both be a little wiser on the other side.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Vacation soon!
In 3 weeks we will have a mini-vacation, and I can't wait! We'll head down to Charleston, SC where we'll camp for 2 nights then head to a hotel for night 3 (we would have camped for 3 nights but the campground was booked). I'm doing my best not to overplan, something I am very guilty of doing. This trip only happens once a year, and I want to embrace it as fully as possible. Only 3 things are absolutes: the beach, the children's museum, and the farmer's market. Beyond that, we'll just go where whimsy takes us.
Just a mere 21 more days...
Just a mere 21 more days...
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Ambition
I think I've gotten a bit carried away with the vegetable/fruit garden this year. Before the season ends, I will have planted (and hopefully successfully harvested) strawberries, sweet banana peppers, green bell peppers, broccoli, kale, zucchini, cantaloupe, roma tomatoes, corn, onions, red potatoes and lima beans. Of course there will not be bountiful harvests of any of these, except perhaps the tomatoes, because I've only seeded or bought 2-4 of each plant, but even a few meals made with food from my own lovingly tended garden will be worth it.
Friday, April 23, 2010
What to say? Doran is playing soccer now, which is an amusing fiasco. I mean, after all, how much can 3-year-olds really know about the game? It's fun to watch them try, though :)
I've reconnected with old friends, made connections with new friends, and tried to keep current friendship pathways open. Part-time work status is good for the spirit but stressful to the family bank account. I'm adjusting as best I can.
I'm falling more in love with my boy as days pass and wonder why I've ever thought of having another kid. I love pregnancy, love birth, love mothering, but I've decided to adopt a saying I read on an only child page on facebook: I stopped at perfection. Of course Doran isn't perfect, but I'm so deliriously happy with him. I'm perfectly in love with my son, innocently adore the beauty that is him, and the idea, now, of adding another person just stresses me out. I'm not missing a thing. Doran brings me more joy than I ever thought possible, and I want to embrace every moment of that. Every moment. I LOVE kids, I truly do. But one kid, for now, will satisfy me.
Spring is in the air, and I'm in love :)
'
I've reconnected with old friends, made connections with new friends, and tried to keep current friendship pathways open. Part-time work status is good for the spirit but stressful to the family bank account. I'm adjusting as best I can.
I'm falling more in love with my boy as days pass and wonder why I've ever thought of having another kid. I love pregnancy, love birth, love mothering, but I've decided to adopt a saying I read on an only child page on facebook: I stopped at perfection. Of course Doran isn't perfect, but I'm so deliriously happy with him. I'm perfectly in love with my son, innocently adore the beauty that is him, and the idea, now, of adding another person just stresses me out. I'm not missing a thing. Doran brings me more joy than I ever thought possible, and I want to embrace every moment of that. Every moment. I LOVE kids, I truly do. But one kid, for now, will satisfy me.
Spring is in the air, and I'm in love :)
'
Friday, March 26, 2010
Wishing it was nostalgia
I stumbled upon a page for "Historic Photos & Prints of Breastfeeding" on facebook, fanned by a fabulous new mom, and I scrolled through each print or photo in complete fascination. Sure, I see plenty of breastfeeding women on a very regular basis, but these women are mostly nursing newborns. In these pictures, women are nursing older babies and toddlers, and it just looks so awesome to me. I read the comments of other fans, and while praising the moms in the images also reminisce about their own lovely breastfeeding past. And in that moment I wished I could reminisce too.
Breastfeeding was such a challenge for me. Dear son and I got off to a great start, as evidenced by his having the proper number of wet and soiled diapers in the first week, but shortly thereafter the balance shifted, and my supply could no longer meet his demand. And dear son did not hesitate to voice his displeasure. I gave all I could give him, until not a drop more could be squeezed, and it just wasn't sufficient to fill his belly. After 3 months of trying many different methods of increasing the supply, we stopped and our nursing relationship was over.
Looking at those pictures I wish I had been as blissed out as those moms. I wish I had been able to make it to older babyhood. I'm at peace with how my situation played out - I did the best I could, and no one could ask for more. It just looks like such a beautiful experience, holding your child close and providing such pure sustenance. But who knows? Maybe another baby will come into my life, and maybe breastfeeding will come much more easily that time around. But if not, I can still admire the women who are making excellent choices to give their children every thing they can.
Breastfeeding was such a challenge for me. Dear son and I got off to a great start, as evidenced by his having the proper number of wet and soiled diapers in the first week, but shortly thereafter the balance shifted, and my supply could no longer meet his demand. And dear son did not hesitate to voice his displeasure. I gave all I could give him, until not a drop more could be squeezed, and it just wasn't sufficient to fill his belly. After 3 months of trying many different methods of increasing the supply, we stopped and our nursing relationship was over.
Looking at those pictures I wish I had been as blissed out as those moms. I wish I had been able to make it to older babyhood. I'm at peace with how my situation played out - I did the best I could, and no one could ask for more. It just looks like such a beautiful experience, holding your child close and providing such pure sustenance. But who knows? Maybe another baby will come into my life, and maybe breastfeeding will come much more easily that time around. But if not, I can still admire the women who are making excellent choices to give their children every thing they can.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Happy Birthday to Me!!
Hooray! Today is my birthday! And how have I enjoyed this incredibly beautiful day, with the sun shining brightly and the breeze blowing gently? Mostly hanging out with my lively son and doting hubby.
Dear husband is cooking my favorite comfort meal: barbecue chicken (which consists of boneless, skinless chicken breasts basted with barbecue sauce and baked), mashed potatoes and corn. Something about that combination of foods just warms my soul, and it's what I feel will hit the spot tonight.
I am so grateful to all of my dear friends who have done their best to make me feel special in the week leading up to my birthday. There has been roller derby, drinking with friends, chocolate, Irish goods, and good movies. Tomorrow we'll add a nice hike to the list. I feel so loved, so valued, so overwhelmingly blessed. I love the life I'm living so much.
Dear husband is cooking my favorite comfort meal: barbecue chicken (which consists of boneless, skinless chicken breasts basted with barbecue sauce and baked), mashed potatoes and corn. Something about that combination of foods just warms my soul, and it's what I feel will hit the spot tonight.
I am so grateful to all of my dear friends who have done their best to make me feel special in the week leading up to my birthday. There has been roller derby, drinking with friends, chocolate, Irish goods, and good movies. Tomorrow we'll add a nice hike to the list. I feel so loved, so valued, so overwhelmingly blessed. I love the life I'm living so much.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Dark times teach us gratitude
After my last post, I received an outpouring of love and support from those I hold dear. Thank you all for reminding me that I am blessed and loved so greatly. It means more than you may ever know!
And so it's onwards and upwards for me. There is still the possibility in the back of my mind that we may, just may, try again in the future, but for now I'm focusing on being well in every way possible. I'm going to the Y at least 3-4 days a week, helping my body to feel good. I'm surrounding myself with amazing people who contribute to my emotional and mental well-being. Spending more time at home with my son has helped so much already. Less stress and more gratitude can only lead to positive things, and whether those positive things include a baby or not, I'm always up for happy change.
So thank you, particularly W.,C., N. and S., for lifting me up in my time of "need". I love you ladies so dearly, appreciate you more than I could ever tell you, and hope I can give back to you in the many ways you've given to me.
Here, here to a weekend of family and my first roller derby!
And so it's onwards and upwards for me. There is still the possibility in the back of my mind that we may, just may, try again in the future, but for now I'm focusing on being well in every way possible. I'm going to the Y at least 3-4 days a week, helping my body to feel good. I'm surrounding myself with amazing people who contribute to my emotional and mental well-being. Spending more time at home with my son has helped so much already. Less stress and more gratitude can only lead to positive things, and whether those positive things include a baby or not, I'm always up for happy change.
So thank you, particularly W.,C., N. and S., for lifting me up in my time of "need". I love you ladies so dearly, appreciate you more than I could ever tell you, and hope I can give back to you in the many ways you've given to me.
Here, here to a weekend of family and my first roller derby!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
The Breaking Point
I reached it today, the point at which I couldn't hold my emotions in any longer. Women become pregnant on a regular basis, and most of the time, even after my losses, I'm OK with that. I can remain stoic, remember that this is the cycle of life and that everything happens for a reason. When a good friend told me last summer that she had "gone and gotten herself knocked up" with baby #2, she expected me to be sour, but I was not. I wasn't then and I most certainly am not now as I eagerly await this baby's delivery any day now. When my best friend announced her pregnancy me to me last fall, I expected to be angry and jealous, but I was far from it. Instead, I was filled with the need to be emotionally available to her, to nurture her as she prepared to parent a third child with a new partner in a new life. I thought I was doing just fine, accepting this course of events in stride and knowing that everything was in perfect order.
And then I found out today that another person that I work with will be expecting her third child in October, and I cried. I'm still crying. Not because I worry for this woman because she is an awesome mother with an awesome husband who will give this baby as fantastic of a home as they have their two girls. I'm crying for the dreams I had, for the hopes I held so dear and felt dashed with each miscarriage. I'm mourning my losses again, and I can't help but wonder when this will end.
My last loss was a year ago, and our last failed attempt was three months ago. I accepted that I might only ever parent my son, and I have been continually grateful for that blessing. Not a day goes by that I don't acknowledge how incredibly blessed I am to have such an amazing opportunity. Yet the dreams of what could have been still linger, and every now and then they overwhelm me and I can't help but cry.
I wish that I had only ever wished to parent one child, I wish that being a mom had not been so awesome, I wish that I were more career-oriented and focused on things outside my family. But the truth of the matter is I love being a mom and I live for my family. Doing so fulfills me in ways I never dreamed possible. It's not a sacrifice because I love it. And I just wish that I had the chance to do it again.
And then I found out today that another person that I work with will be expecting her third child in October, and I cried. I'm still crying. Not because I worry for this woman because she is an awesome mother with an awesome husband who will give this baby as fantastic of a home as they have their two girls. I'm crying for the dreams I had, for the hopes I held so dear and felt dashed with each miscarriage. I'm mourning my losses again, and I can't help but wonder when this will end.
My last loss was a year ago, and our last failed attempt was three months ago. I accepted that I might only ever parent my son, and I have been continually grateful for that blessing. Not a day goes by that I don't acknowledge how incredibly blessed I am to have such an amazing opportunity. Yet the dreams of what could have been still linger, and every now and then they overwhelm me and I can't help but cry.
I wish that I had only ever wished to parent one child, I wish that being a mom had not been so awesome, I wish that I were more career-oriented and focused on things outside my family. But the truth of the matter is I love being a mom and I live for my family. Doing so fulfills me in ways I never dreamed possible. It's not a sacrifice because I love it. And I just wish that I had the chance to do it again.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
The Boy's Own Room - Take 2
So dearest son has his own room again. He so graciously offered it to one of our dear friends while said friend was in transition and needed a place to stay. Said friend moved out yesterday, which gives our boy his own room again. Last night was his first night sleeping in his own bed again in many months, and it went well. He waited until 2 or so to climb into our bed, so that's not too bad. Besides, he's not the only one having to make this transition. I love the family bed and have fully embraced it for 3 years now. I miss my little guy when he's not right next to me. But it's time, and this time I feel we're all ready to make the move.
On happier notes, I start part-time employment status this week, and I'm delighted! Tomorrow is the first day of March, which is one of my favorite months. My birthday occurs in March, as do several beloved friends. In addition, a few dearly-anticipated babies will most likely be born this month, so I'm about to have my cup running over with new baby sweetness. Then there's the first day of spring, which means little in this area as we can still see snow well into April, but somehow marking that day renews hope that the earth will be green once more, and sunny days will be abundant soon.
Now off to daydream of new babies and gardens...
On happier notes, I start part-time employment status this week, and I'm delighted! Tomorrow is the first day of March, which is one of my favorite months. My birthday occurs in March, as do several beloved friends. In addition, a few dearly-anticipated babies will most likely be born this month, so I'm about to have my cup running over with new baby sweetness. Then there's the first day of spring, which means little in this area as we can still see snow well into April, but somehow marking that day renews hope that the earth will be green once more, and sunny days will be abundant soon.
Now off to daydream of new babies and gardens...
Monday, February 22, 2010
Ah, babies
There is nothing like holding a newborn baby to shake one's resolve. Well, not just any newborn baby. I hold newborn babes on a regular basis, and while I enjoy it greatly, none of those newborns have stirred the longing within me. At the office I hold the babies, nuzzle them, inhale their sweet baby smell, and pass them back, content with the temporary high. But then came Baby L.
Baby L. is dearest son's "cousin". Dear son spends his hours away from me with a woman we refer to as his nanny, and his nanny has 5 children. Nanny's oldest daughter had a baby a couple of weeks ago, and we had the great honor of visiting with the family just a couple of days after Baby L.'s birth. I thought I'd just do the same with this little guy as I do with the other well-loved newborns I meet: I'd hold him, bring him close to get a good whiff, then pass him off to mom, content in knowing I was free of that responsibility. Not so easy with Baby L.
The moment I held him I felt that longing, that pull to motherhood. I remembered so many moments with my own son, both beautiful and challenging, and felt slightly intoxicated with the nostalgia. I watched as my own "baby" looked kindly at the new baby, rubbed his head oh-so-gently, then softly tickled Baby L.'s little hands, a huge smile on his face. It felt so perfect, holding a newborn while gazing adoringly at my "big boy", and I started second-guessing my resolve to parent an only.
It would be easy to explain those feelings as simply biology. After all, I'm 30. I'm in the latter part of my prime child-bearing years. Of course I'll read these feelings as inclinations to procreate. But then dearest son makes frequent comments recently like, "Baby O. is coming soon" and "I'm going to sing that song to Baby O. when she comes" and "Baby O. has green eyes just like mine." And he believes it so completely that I almost believe it too. But of course Baby is coming soon! It just wasn't her time yet! I was just being impatient!
I have no idea what the future holds. I know I'm content with my only now, happy to parent my son. But if I am to be truly honest with myself, I will admit that the idea of adding another member to my family, however far off it may be, fills me with joy. But only time will tell...
Baby L. is dearest son's "cousin". Dear son spends his hours away from me with a woman we refer to as his nanny, and his nanny has 5 children. Nanny's oldest daughter had a baby a couple of weeks ago, and we had the great honor of visiting with the family just a couple of days after Baby L.'s birth. I thought I'd just do the same with this little guy as I do with the other well-loved newborns I meet: I'd hold him, bring him close to get a good whiff, then pass him off to mom, content in knowing I was free of that responsibility. Not so easy with Baby L.
The moment I held him I felt that longing, that pull to motherhood. I remembered so many moments with my own son, both beautiful and challenging, and felt slightly intoxicated with the nostalgia. I watched as my own "baby" looked kindly at the new baby, rubbed his head oh-so-gently, then softly tickled Baby L.'s little hands, a huge smile on his face. It felt so perfect, holding a newborn while gazing adoringly at my "big boy", and I started second-guessing my resolve to parent an only.
It would be easy to explain those feelings as simply biology. After all, I'm 30. I'm in the latter part of my prime child-bearing years. Of course I'll read these feelings as inclinations to procreate. But then dearest son makes frequent comments recently like, "Baby O. is coming soon" and "I'm going to sing that song to Baby O. when she comes" and "Baby O. has green eyes just like mine." And he believes it so completely that I almost believe it too. But of course Baby is coming soon! It just wasn't her time yet! I was just being impatient!
I have no idea what the future holds. I know I'm content with my only now, happy to parent my son. But if I am to be truly honest with myself, I will admit that the idea of adding another member to my family, however far off it may be, fills me with joy. But only time will tell...
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Laissez les bon temps roulez!
Happy Mardi Gras! One thing I love about being married to a Louisiana native (especially one who grew up only a short drive from the fabulous New Orleans) is embracing their traditions. I love bonfires on Christmas Eve, searching for alligators while driving down the road on a hot summer day, and celebrating Mardi Gras, just to name a few.
This is the first year, however, that I will commit to a period of atonement. Lent has never really held much significance for me before, but this year I feel called to embrace that tradition as well. And I'm not going to do it half-heartedly, either. I'm giving up the one vice I love above all others: I'm going to abstain from alcohol for at least 40 days.
I know, I know. Those of you who know me are laughing heartily, most likely thinking, "Yeah, right. You'll do good to go 40 minutes on a Saturday night, much less a full 40 days." But what better way for me to really accomplish some enlightenment? I see days filled with saving some money, maybe losing a couple of pounds or so, discovering new interests. Sure, it won't be the first time I've abstained from alcohol for a long stretch (I was an incredibly responsible pregnant lady), but I learned a lot about myself then, too.
So wish me luck, friends! And until tomorrow comes, drink up!
This is the first year, however, that I will commit to a period of atonement. Lent has never really held much significance for me before, but this year I feel called to embrace that tradition as well. And I'm not going to do it half-heartedly, either. I'm giving up the one vice I love above all others: I'm going to abstain from alcohol for at least 40 days.
I know, I know. Those of you who know me are laughing heartily, most likely thinking, "Yeah, right. You'll do good to go 40 minutes on a Saturday night, much less a full 40 days." But what better way for me to really accomplish some enlightenment? I see days filled with saving some money, maybe losing a couple of pounds or so, discovering new interests. Sure, it won't be the first time I've abstained from alcohol for a long stretch (I was an incredibly responsible pregnant lady), but I learned a lot about myself then, too.
So wish me luck, friends! And until tomorrow comes, drink up!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
One of those days
"It's just one of those days, when you don't wanna wake up..."
I'm definitely having one of those days. My patience was already out when my feet touched the floor. This situation did not mesh well with a 3-year-old son whose job it is to push boundaries. The boy and I did spend a nice lunch with a dear friend, so that was a welcome break. Now he's resting, the house is quiet, and perhaps we can both recenter and start fresh in an hour or so.
On a more upbeat note, the first of my favorite 2010 babies to be born is in the process of entering our world now, and I can't wait to meet him! Dearest son's nanny's daughter is laboring now, transitioning from young woman to new mom, entering a whole new world. I may not intend to birth more of my own, but I am thrilled to dote on the babies of others!
I'm definitely having one of those days. My patience was already out when my feet touched the floor. This situation did not mesh well with a 3-year-old son whose job it is to push boundaries. The boy and I did spend a nice lunch with a dear friend, so that was a welcome break. Now he's resting, the house is quiet, and perhaps we can both recenter and start fresh in an hour or so.
On a more upbeat note, the first of my favorite 2010 babies to be born is in the process of entering our world now, and I can't wait to meet him! Dearest son's nanny's daughter is laboring now, transitioning from young woman to new mom, entering a whole new world. I may not intend to birth more of my own, but I am thrilled to dote on the babies of others!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Snow
This really long, really taxing week is concluded with a major snowstorm. I don't mind. I welcome the chance to stay home. As I grow older, my attachment to my home grows stronger. Nothing beats time with the family, be it lazy days or days with purpose. I feel blessed to actually like my family enough to want to hang out with them, even when I don't have to.
It's been a good week, full of processing changes and making big decisions. I have some amazing friends whose input and support have proven invaluable, and I know that no matter what the future holds, I'll be OK. Who could ask for anything more?
And what does my future hold, at least immediately? I'm going to reduce the number of hours I work outside the home and spend more time with my son. Perhaps in time I will devote myself to the care of children, both my own and those of others. All I really know for sure is that I'm ready for a change, a change that brings me closer to home, that gives me a chance to make a positive impression on my son while he's still so young.
And when I think of that change, my heart sings, which is, according to my dearest friend, what life is really about anyway.
It's been a good week, full of processing changes and making big decisions. I have some amazing friends whose input and support have proven invaluable, and I know that no matter what the future holds, I'll be OK. Who could ask for anything more?
And what does my future hold, at least immediately? I'm going to reduce the number of hours I work outside the home and spend more time with my son. Perhaps in time I will devote myself to the care of children, both my own and those of others. All I really know for sure is that I'm ready for a change, a change that brings me closer to home, that gives me a chance to make a positive impression on my son while he's still so young.
And when I think of that change, my heart sings, which is, according to my dearest friend, what life is really about anyway.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
I hate January
I've tried to like January, but we're just not that compatible. I acknowledge there are parts of January that are actually quite enjoyable, but generally speaking, I do not enjoy the month. It's gray and boring. And I tend to go a little crazy in January.
Sure, it's logical to blame it on the sudden stop of all the hustle and bustle of December. Perhaps it's all of those less-than-cheery feelings bubbling up after being repressed during the holidays. I'm less concerned with the cause and more concerned with getting through.
At this time I have too many balls up in the air, too many unknowns as to how they will fall down around me. And you know what I really want to do? I just want to stay at home with my boy, soaking up all of the brilliant things he has to say, managing all of his spectacular moments of defiance and rebellion, pretending to be a domestic goddess. Being mommy is what I love most, and it's all I want to do. Staying at home isn't easy; in fact, in many ways it's probably more challenging than working outside the home. But leaving my heart in someone else's hands is growing more and more difficult.
Sigh...I can't wait for January to be over...
Sure, it's logical to blame it on the sudden stop of all the hustle and bustle of December. Perhaps it's all of those less-than-cheery feelings bubbling up after being repressed during the holidays. I'm less concerned with the cause and more concerned with getting through.
At this time I have too many balls up in the air, too many unknowns as to how they will fall down around me. And you know what I really want to do? I just want to stay at home with my boy, soaking up all of the brilliant things he has to say, managing all of his spectacular moments of defiance and rebellion, pretending to be a domestic goddess. Being mommy is what I love most, and it's all I want to do. Staying at home isn't easy; in fact, in many ways it's probably more challenging than working outside the home. But leaving my heart in someone else's hands is growing more and more difficult.
Sigh...I can't wait for January to be over...
Saturday, January 16, 2010
The family that plays together gets sick together
It started with the boy - congestion, coughing, fever, sleepless nights. In my attempt to be Amazing Nurturing Mom, I made myself susceptible to his illness. I cuddled him, hugged him, kissed him, wiped his runny nose until he felt better. And I felt like a hero until I became congested, started coughing, and couldn't sleep. Now I'm just cranky and trying to explain to a much-better son that Mommy is now sick and could really use some time to just rest and feel better too.
Thankfully dearest spouse is still well (probably due to sleeping on the couch for the past two nights and refusing to get within a 5 ft. radius of either son or me) and is able to divert the boy long enough to give me spare moments of peace and healing time. And how do I spend these moments? Blogging, of course. I figure it's a low-energy activity and keeps my mind sharp while my body recovers.
And the boy won't be distracted for long. He's a Mommy's Boy if ever there was one, and he'll find me. Oh, he'll find me. And I'll ask him for cuddles and hugs and kisses to help make me better too. Because that's what families do.
Thankfully dearest spouse is still well (probably due to sleeping on the couch for the past two nights and refusing to get within a 5 ft. radius of either son or me) and is able to divert the boy long enough to give me spare moments of peace and healing time. And how do I spend these moments? Blogging, of course. I figure it's a low-energy activity and keeps my mind sharp while my body recovers.
And the boy won't be distracted for long. He's a Mommy's Boy if ever there was one, and he'll find me. Oh, he'll find me. And I'll ask him for cuddles and hugs and kisses to help make me better too. Because that's what families do.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Embracing the Only Child
I'm not an only child, and now that I'm well into adulthood, I'm thankful for that. I have one younger brother, and while I adore him now, our childhood relationship was definitely strongly love-hate: I loved him and he appeared to hate me. I know, I know, this is not the truth, but we were not good friends then. Many of our circumstances conspired against improving our relationship early, but thankfully we withstood those challenges and can now laugh about our antics then.
Despite this rocky sibling connection, I thought it would be in dearest son's best interest to have a sibling. After all, who else will you be able to share those crazy family stories at holidays? And I love children. I adore being a mom. It seemed completely natural that we would try again. And it seemed completely natural that it would be as easy as it was the first time. Then we were made aware that nature works in many ways.
We tried. Several times. Three of those times I saw two lovely lines only to be followed by loss. I don't think I've ever been so devastated in my life. But time does heal all wounds, and we tried again, with no success. This last venture dearest spouse and I made an agreement: if I became pregnant, we would embrace another child and live happily ever after. If I didn't become pregnant, we would embrace our only child and live happily ever after. I didn't become pregnant, and now dearest son will be an only child. And I'm really OK with that.
So there's the background. It stands to reason that the ride with an only child is probably not as wild as it is with several children, but knowing my dearest spouse and myself, it's going to be pretty crazy all the same. Enjoy!
Despite this rocky sibling connection, I thought it would be in dearest son's best interest to have a sibling. After all, who else will you be able to share those crazy family stories at holidays? And I love children. I adore being a mom. It seemed completely natural that we would try again. And it seemed completely natural that it would be as easy as it was the first time. Then we were made aware that nature works in many ways.
We tried. Several times. Three of those times I saw two lovely lines only to be followed by loss. I don't think I've ever been so devastated in my life. But time does heal all wounds, and we tried again, with no success. This last venture dearest spouse and I made an agreement: if I became pregnant, we would embrace another child and live happily ever after. If I didn't become pregnant, we would embrace our only child and live happily ever after. I didn't become pregnant, and now dearest son will be an only child. And I'm really OK with that.
So there's the background. It stands to reason that the ride with an only child is probably not as wild as it is with several children, but knowing my dearest spouse and myself, it's going to be pretty crazy all the same. Enjoy!
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