I'd like to know who or what has taken over my son. My even-tempered boy has suddenly taken to throwing extravagant tantrums once more and to sheer defiance. It has taken me completely off guard, and I admit I have not reacted as ideally as I would like. Being a mom who is so concerned with not screwing this parenting thing up too badly, I tend to over-analyze the situation: why is he behaving this way? What need am I not filling? Is it because he knows mom and dad are separating without being directly told? Is it because he doesn't attend preschool anymore? I'm sure the reality is that it's a perfectly natural, normal part of development, but I'm so eager to raise a "good" boy that I am often guilty of overlooking the obvious in an attempt to be proactive. Silly mom...
More often than not I find myself staring in my boy's face and feeling constantly surprised that I'm actually seeing a boy now and not a baby or even a toddler so much anymore. He's a boy, a "real" boy, and I'm often overwhelmed with the sensation that it's all happening too fast. Such a funny thought considering only 3 1/2 years ago I thought every day was an eternity and secretly wished time would fast forward just enough to bring me some sense of peace in mothering (have I mentioned my boy was a colicky baby?). And even in the midst of his periods of testing his limits, I still have the awareness that I should embrace these moments because in time I'll miss them.
What I really should do is take a deep breath, give my boy a big hug and a kiss, and just play.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Busy
I cannot believe that June is already here and pretty much halfway gone. I'm doing my best to pay attention because life is zooming pretty quickly.
So what to comment on? Honestly, I've been a bit self-absorbed lately, working intently on healing and moving forward with my life. This is intense, focused work, and there are times when I'd like to call it off and indulge in a few cocktails. Fortunately my desire for balance and growth outweighs any escapist tendencies I might indulge in from time to time, so I persevere.
Sleep has been escaping me lately, mostly due to being "on call" for my dearest friend's birth. I must admit I have a new respect for the work of midwives, birth attendants, doulas, and OB/GYN doctors. Your whole thinking changes when you realize that at any moment you could receive a call asking you to be present for someone else. Of course, the woman I'm on call for is not just any pregnant lady - she's my best friend, my confidante, my "person". Therefore, I have a huge emotional investment in her labor and birth. She has shared her pregnancy with me in the best way she knows, always aware of my intense desire to mother again, always considerate of my feelings as she experiences her own. When she asked me to be present at the birth, I was scared and inclined to decline. After all, what do I know about supporting a woman in labor? As time went on, though, she was able to successfully communicate what my presence would mean to her, and I began to realize more fully what it would mean to me as well. So here I sit, anxiously awaiting this baby's arrival, eager to meet this being who has already changed my life in beautiful ways.
Dear son has entered this new phase of sass and independence. I admit I've had it relatively easy for the past 2 or so years. I tend to say that D. gave me hell early on, then gave me a huge break by being a fairly easygoing, albeit strong-willed, toddler. As his fourth birthday approaches, he is learning new ways to test his limits and boundaries and while I can embrace and appreciate this phase of development on one hand, on the other hand I'm still mom and in charge around here. I'm grateful for the lesson in balance and perspective, but sometimes I wish there was more warning for these changes. I stand by my statement that being a mom is the hardest job I've ever taken on. I worry every single day that I'm doing the right thing, that my actions are instilling good habits for him later on without stifling his personality or crushing his amazing spirit. It's a big deal being a mom, and I don't want to mess it up. At the same time, I don't want to take it so seriously that I end up doing more harm than good. But I guess that concern alone will keep me in check.
Soccer ends on Saturday, and D. will finally, finally receive his beloved trophy. Sweet boy has been asking about this trophy since the first day of practice. I've been impressed with his growth over the course of the soccer experience. He has grown more assertive (perhaps too much so at times) and has learned to speak up for his turns and opportunities. I don't know how much he has actually learned about soccer, besides the no-hands rule, but that was never fully my intention in signing him up anyway. There's so much to be said for learning to interact with others, and he seems to be adjusting just fine. And I can only imagine that seeing his little face when he receives his trophy will be priceless :)
So time marches on, and I'm just trying to keep up with the beat.
So what to comment on? Honestly, I've been a bit self-absorbed lately, working intently on healing and moving forward with my life. This is intense, focused work, and there are times when I'd like to call it off and indulge in a few cocktails. Fortunately my desire for balance and growth outweighs any escapist tendencies I might indulge in from time to time, so I persevere.
Sleep has been escaping me lately, mostly due to being "on call" for my dearest friend's birth. I must admit I have a new respect for the work of midwives, birth attendants, doulas, and OB/GYN doctors. Your whole thinking changes when you realize that at any moment you could receive a call asking you to be present for someone else. Of course, the woman I'm on call for is not just any pregnant lady - she's my best friend, my confidante, my "person". Therefore, I have a huge emotional investment in her labor and birth. She has shared her pregnancy with me in the best way she knows, always aware of my intense desire to mother again, always considerate of my feelings as she experiences her own. When she asked me to be present at the birth, I was scared and inclined to decline. After all, what do I know about supporting a woman in labor? As time went on, though, she was able to successfully communicate what my presence would mean to her, and I began to realize more fully what it would mean to me as well. So here I sit, anxiously awaiting this baby's arrival, eager to meet this being who has already changed my life in beautiful ways.
Dear son has entered this new phase of sass and independence. I admit I've had it relatively easy for the past 2 or so years. I tend to say that D. gave me hell early on, then gave me a huge break by being a fairly easygoing, albeit strong-willed, toddler. As his fourth birthday approaches, he is learning new ways to test his limits and boundaries and while I can embrace and appreciate this phase of development on one hand, on the other hand I'm still mom and in charge around here. I'm grateful for the lesson in balance and perspective, but sometimes I wish there was more warning for these changes. I stand by my statement that being a mom is the hardest job I've ever taken on. I worry every single day that I'm doing the right thing, that my actions are instilling good habits for him later on without stifling his personality or crushing his amazing spirit. It's a big deal being a mom, and I don't want to mess it up. At the same time, I don't want to take it so seriously that I end up doing more harm than good. But I guess that concern alone will keep me in check.
Soccer ends on Saturday, and D. will finally, finally receive his beloved trophy. Sweet boy has been asking about this trophy since the first day of practice. I've been impressed with his growth over the course of the soccer experience. He has grown more assertive (perhaps too much so at times) and has learned to speak up for his turns and opportunities. I don't know how much he has actually learned about soccer, besides the no-hands rule, but that was never fully my intention in signing him up anyway. There's so much to be said for learning to interact with others, and he seems to be adjusting just fine. And I can only imagine that seeing his little face when he receives his trophy will be priceless :)
So time marches on, and I'm just trying to keep up with the beat.
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