Grieving

On Monday I found out that the niece who I was excitedly anticipating to be born in about a month, maybe even on my birthday, was found to have no heartbeat in the womb.  In one painful moment my brother's world was turned upside down, and he and his wife were faced with the most painful loss I could imagine:  the loss of their child. 

I have struggled with this for days and will likely continue to struggle for days to come.  My heart breaks for my little brother and his wife, two people who are probably the best, purest, most beautiful people I know.  My heart breaks for the grandparents who were so excited to welcome a granddaughter after the joy of having two grandsons.  My heart breaks for their friends who were helping make plans for meal trains and baby-sitting, baby showers and play dates.  My heart just breaks.

I haven't had to grieve a loss this intense in a long time.  I'm filled with such sadness and at the same time such overwhelming love for my brother and sister-in-law.  I know they'll be OK, they'll get through this loss and in the end they'll be even more amazing for having experienced it.  They just exude that kind of strength, love, and compassion.  But I can't help but feel that protective spirit I've always held for my brother rise up, that wish that I could make this go away for him.  They didn't deserve this, but that's not how life works, is it? 

I'm not bitter, I'm not resentful, I'm just very, very sad. 

Katy Anne Lee, I barely knew you but I loved you dearly.  May your spirit rest peacefully.

Keep on Keepin' On

Are we truly already into February?  I can't seem to keep up these days!

I celebrated one month of sobriety last week!  That first month was a challenging one, but I wouldn't trade the experience for anything.  Every day I feel a little better, a little stronger, a little closer to the person I truly want to be.  It's not always easy, but it is definitely always worth it.

Doran and I start officially volunteering at the Humane Society this week, and we're both excited for this experience.  He, of course, can't wait to cuddle kittens and play with cats, but I've informed him there's more to contribute than that.  I've also signed us up for writing letters and drawing pictures for local police officers and firefighters.  I'm on a community service kick, and I love it! 

Although it's not an official couch to 5k program, I started a more regular walking program in hopes of losing a few pounds so I can start an official program.  I tried going straight into it but it hurt more than I thought was probably good for me, so I'm easing into it more slowly.  Doran's participation in races is inspiring me to at least try to finish a 5k by the end of this year.  What an accomplishment that will be!

Valentine's Day is around the corner, and we haven't decided what kinds of cards to make for the class.  We've browsed online a little, but naturally Doran wants to make every complicated card he can find (we may never look at Martha Stewart's website together again).  Once I settle on an idea, I'll share it here!

It's time to decide on garden plans, too.  I definitely want to grow something, but I will most likely scale back from what I've done (or rather, attempted to do) in years past and invest the money I would've spent on supplies into supporting local farmers.  I can't let go of the idea of growing tomatoes, green beans, greens, and peppers, though. 

I think that about sums it up.  Life is busy but satisfying.  I can't ask for more than that!

Off to a good start

2013 is going along swimmingly.  I'm still alcohol-free (a pretty amazing feat!), I'm on course with my resolutions, and Doran and I have been spending some awesome quality time together.  I couldn't ask for more at this point in my life.

Here's a picture of Doran in his white belt, received early this month:

After 9+ years of knowing how to knit, I FINALLY knit my first sock.  I'm pretty proud of it, so here's a pic of that:

I'm working on the other one now and hope to have it finished by the end of the week.  Socks are a practical knitting project, and I'm excited to try different patterns. 

My book of the month is one I picked up from the library sale:  Wednesday Night Witches.  It seemed like it could be a decent read when I read the description and the first few pages, but midway through I'm not so sure.  I'll finish it though, because it's not impossible.  Next I'll read a book from the Dexter series by Jeff Lindsay:  Dexter in the Dark.  At least that's my plan.  Who knows if another title will strike my fancy first!

So that's a small update of things going on in my world.  I've naturally been doing a lot of thinking, but those thoughts can wait for another day.  For now, I need to resume my housecleaning and make some lunch.  Have a lovely Tuesday!

Sobriety

I did not resolve to quit drinking in 2013.  I felt such a goal to be too big, too long-term, too much, so I decided to simply do a 30-day sobriety challenge.  Thirty of 365 days seemed much more reasonable and doable for me.

Over the past couple of days, though, I've begun to take an honest look at my life and what I've allowed it to become.  The truth is I've allowed alcohol to play a huge part in my life for most of my adult life, with the exception of pregnancy.  I've joked about it in an attempt to hide how serious the issue was, but I don't believe it went completely unnoticed by those who love me. 

For a while it was easy to deny a problem.  I had never missed a day of work due to drinking; I'd just come to work hungover.  I did most of my drinking at night and never craved a drink upon waking.  My son had not suffered visibly from my alcohol abuse (meaning he always had healthy food, got to school on time, had quality time with me, made it to play dates, etc but who knows how much he noticed on a psychological level).  Besides, who doesn't enjoy a good craft beer?  Most of my "friends" did, that's for sure.  And in a town with so many microbreweries, why not enjoy some of each?  So many beers, so little time...

Facing the reality of alcohol addiction is not easy.  I have a strong sense of pride that is wounded by this admission.  After all, I'm a smart woman, bright and funny, generous and thoughtful.  How could I have allowed something like this to happen?  But it did happen, and now's the time to set aside my pride and admit I have a problem that needs some help.

So I'm blogging about it as a way of holding myself accountable.  My dirty secret is out.  My plan is still to follow the 30-day sobriety challenge and allow myself the possibility of a drink at the end of it.  I'm hoping that by that point I'll be in enough control to cope with any urges I have, but it's going to be a lengthy process.  I've spent more than a decade drinking heavily (again, except for pregnancy) and those issues won't resolve in just 30 days.  But with the right support I'll make it and create a new life free of dependency.

And if by chance you see me out and I happen to have a drink, please don't judge me.  A smile and a hug will do more to help me than any criticism you may have for my choices.

At the risk of sounding cliche,

I've been pondering resolutions for the new year.  Just small ones, ones that might lead to real, lasting change and an improved life.  2012 offered me some huge opportunities for growth, and while I haven't always met the challenge, I'm inspired to keep trying.  Here are some of my goals for 2013:

* Start and maintain a gratitude jar
* Keep a journal in which I document at least one blessing every day
* Keep in better touch with the people I love by taking the time to make the phone calls I've gotten so good at avoiding and sending the emails I consistently put off
* Add more veggies to dinnertime meals
* Take a walk at least 2 times a week in hopes of building up to more as the year goes on
* Help Doran learn how to ride his bike on just 2 wheels
* Read one book a month
* Learn how to juggle

Who knows where making these relatively simple changes will lead?  Maybe helping Doran learn how to ride his bike will inspire me to buy a bike and start riding again.  Maybe reading regularly again will inspire me to finally go back to school.  Maybe keeping in touch with my friends and family will lead me to meet more people and develop more meaningful relationships.  If nothing else I hope to feel better. 

Best wishes to all of us for a wonderful new year!

Happy Solstice!

My Winter Solstice observation was delightfully simple today.  Doran and I started with a cinnamon roll breakfast after which I sent him to school for the last day before break.  I spent the day with my three favorite 11-month-olds, and they were just oozing cuteness.  After a short but satisfying nap in the afternoon, Doran and I shared a lovely meal by candlelight while discussing how thankful we were for this time of year and the return of the sun.  A couple of holiday shows later and I'm ready to retire for the night, eager to sleep in tomorrow morning.

I'm amazed at how relatively low-stress I've remained this holiday season.  My goal has been to more consciously enjoy the moment and appreciate this season for what it is:  a time to slow down, reflect upon the year's joys and sorrows, successes and mistakes and plan for the next year.  It's a time to appreciate the many blessings experienced and to let those people close to your heart know how much they mean to you.  The gifts I've given have been given from a place of pure joy and appreciation, not obligation.  I've spent less money mindlessly and created more consciously.  Doran and I have crafted at leisure and created so many delightful memories.  I've been reminded again and again of how beautiful my life is as well as ways I can improve myself and my world.  And while I have looked intently at sales flyers and promotions from a ridiculous number of websites and retailers, it has been a choice not a requirement.  All of this combined has been more liberating than I can adequately relate.

2012 has been a year of so much change and growth for me, and while I'm not nearly where I want to be, I've gained the confidence of knowing I can get there.  As I celebrate the lengthening days, I look forward to what the next year brings.  Merry Yule!

Moving out and moving in

So I'm officially moved out of my apartment and into my house. Many emotions surfaced as I reflected on the year I spent in that apartment. I closed the door to it for the last time much happier than when I opened the first time, and that is a good feeling, but I also feel like I'm parting with a friend.

It was in that apartment that I rediscovered myself, forced to take the time necessary to closely examine my life, what it had become and what I wanted it to be. When I separated from my husband and sought out my own domicile I wasn't able to put words to my feelings, only able to act on them. I had lost the ability to ask for the things I needed, and I made the choices I felt necessary to calm the incessant chatter in my mind. I find it hard to say I regret the pain experienced in that process, even though I do feel guilty that my son was caught in the midst of my troubled mind, but looking back I still feel the experience was important and that I wouldn't be sitting here so calm, peaceful and overwhelmingly happy if I hadn't acted on those impulses a year ago.

That apartment was my haven, my sanctuary, my place to reclaim me. I hibernated over the winter, cried many, many bitter tears of loss and loneliness, forced myself to discover again what fulfilled me. I resumed my knitting, watched more "chick flicks" that I care to truly own up to, journaled, read many books, crafted, and have I mentioned I cried? It sounds almost boring to see it in print but for me it was an awakening. And in the midst of that awakening, I fell in love with my husband again because I fell in love with me again.

So thank you, tiny little apartment on the east side of town, for all you provided for me in the past year. Part of me will miss you and always reflect fondly on our time together. Many blessings on the next tenant. My hope is you will bless her life as much as you blessed mine.