Nostalgia

In 10 short days my boy will turn 7.  In the grand scheme of things that's not very old, but for me it feels like time is moving much too quickly.

I went through the TV channels tonight and saw that Dinosaur Train and Bob the Builder were playing on some PBS channel that shows preschool shows 24/7.  I honestly teared up because I remember when Doran watched those shows along with Thomas the Tank Engine, Handy Manny, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, and Clifford.  I remember watching Nick Jr. with him, seeing Moose and Zee and learning colors in Spanish with him.  Now it's all Power Rangers and Pokemon and Ninja Turtles and the charm of those early years has worn away.  Those are such precious years and while I definitely enjoyed them to their fullest, they passed too quickly for me.

Perhaps it's because today is designated as Pregnancy and Infant Loss and Remembrance Day.  Four years ago at this time I was hoping with all my heart that I would be pregnant again.  On his birthday that same year I tested positive on a pregnancy test and two weeks later I lost that pregnancy.  No wonder October is filled with so much emotion for me.

I am so blessed with the most amazing son I could ever have imagined, and yet I still mourn for the babies that could have been.  Every time he mentions not having a sibling like his friends, it hurts my heart and I feel guilty as if I am somehow responsible for that turn of events.  I mention the times we tried for a sibling for him, let him know I wanted another baby very much, but it somehow feels inadequate.  

I have been blessed with one very beautiful, clever, funny, amazing boy to guide and nurture.  He has shown me so much beauty that my heart aches in the very best of ways with the weight of it all.  I just sometimes wish that I could have had another opportunity to experience motherhood.  And I wish his childhood wasn't passing so quickly.  

But such is life...